"Thou shalt not make fun of bald people."

"Everybody Wang Chung tonight!"

"If I were a man who would be tall, I would be me."

"What he didn't was, know was, or was know... is that I was dyslexic."

"I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember that great sprinkle accident of 1982."

"Thank you, I'd like to thank everybody I've ever met. Jim, Sarah, (Buzzer) Bob, Shirley, Phil, Aunt Dorise, (Buzzer) Uncle Peter, (Buzzer) Henry Fonda, Jill the weather girl, (Buzzer) Susan, my first wife Cheryl, (Buzzer) Dick York."

"The good news is your surgery was a success and now you look like a movie star! The bad news is that movie star is Drew Carey."

"If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish."

"I hope I have the right suggestion I've totally forgotten."

"You know Colin, in 1964, I received my draft notice to go to Vietnam, unfortunately I was only 5 years old."

"If I were as much of a man as my women, I would be my wife."

"We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon!"

"I put my head like so, and I look like Jiffy Pop. That's why I say, Jiffy Pop."

"Never trust sheep."

"We're evil Smurfs, we're evil Smurfs, we're evil, evil, evil Smurfs!"

"If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian."

"Care to be touched by an angel?"

"You made me giggle."

"I look like Walt Disney just threw up."

"It's the mummy from Canada!"

"Well, I'd like to thank everyone who made this... what? Satan is my master?"

"The cat! Stop it with the cat!"

"It all started with a badly timed bald joke!"

"9 out of 10 Americans believe that out of the 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9"

"Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!"

"There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky."(in an Interview)

"Get my brown pants!"

"Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?"

"My God, youre beautiful! Kiss me, kiss me like youve never kissed an anchor before!"

"Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?"

"We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second."

"The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs."

"You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage."

"Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries."

"I'm standing. I'm looking around. Perhaps there's
something on the Crisis Monitor, here, I turned it on. Dry skin. Just thinking about it makes me want to scratch.
Oh, that's air going into my lungs. Well, I hope my friends will get here soon to help me with this...Hey, here you come through the door."

"Hey, come on, I've seen younger faces on money. Money."

"We've got to come up with a plan. Or we will-our heads will be cut off and put on a pike and they'll ride through and go, look, I got a head on a pike!"

"Do you think it's because I'm a cannibal?

"My mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!"

"My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!"

"I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!"

"Wake up and smell the cheese!"

"He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye, and had that sort of milky film over the other one, ya..ya know, ya know what I mean? But still he was my identical twin."

"When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!"

"Hi. There was a big accident, some people got decapitated, here are their names... You know what? That shirt really makes you look fat. I mean, the colour's all wrong... I mean, who shot the drapes?"

"Hi, well soon return you to the dyslexic production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang..."

"Yep. Yeah. Although many people are because of the incredible beauty of what is happening behind me. It's so beautiful. Many artists have come down just to take a rendering of it. Oh my God, it... Oh, the beauty, the beauty!"

"Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises."

"I enjoy Wayne especially since he listened to my advice on how to sing a successful improv song."(in an Interview)

"I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money."(in an Interview)

"He fit the description of the man I was looking for... 6 foot five, four foot two naked. Well, when he was naked, he stood like this. I was going undercover. I was going to try to look like I needed a haircut."

"Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had."(in an Interview)

"We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out"

"And if that isnt the truth, it would be a lie."

"E: there is no E. F: same as E."

"Knowing Ryan has really helped my career. In fact, he's basically set up my entire life. I met my wife through him; I got Whose Line through him; I got the American Whose Line through him. He's done everything but sire my child."(in an Interview)

"Yes, for I am the lord of the chickens."

"General, we're under attack."

"How will that work at night? Well Ryan will explain."

"Is that a turkey?"

"What kind of FBI agent are you?"

"He was lying on the bunk like a tall girafe being pulled down by a lion hungering...for a tall girafe."

"I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work."

"Yes, I guess I should have told you XXI years ago."

"You know, if I don't make it when I go out there in that weather balloon into that thunder storm. I want, you to take your ear and give it to my wife."

"I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs."

"How about an omlet?"

"Well, screw you then."

"Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum...but come on down. We're going crazy."

"It all seemed too easy. Way too easy. That's when he did something totally unexpected. Something so crazy and wild it took me totally by surprise. Even though it was kind of funny, it still was really weird."

"Yes. Do you think it's a better idea to cut him open and go 'augh! Look at me?' I don't think so."

"Every song a hit, every hit a smack!"

"This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3."

"Balding Men Best Lovers In The World"

"...Before I go on and tell you guys about the sports tonight, I just have a little question. Last night we had a little party, and it was great, folks came and everything was nice, but um...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?! When I took this job, I took this job because I thought this was a nice descent company. I didn't come here to nobody's booty all over this paper! I come to work, I got the Johnson's account to worry about, I pull it out...OOO CRACK! NO! NO!..."

"You're one tae bo class away from an ass kicking!"

"Drew Carey's butt is so warm...ain't no booty like a Drew Carey booty, hay!!"

"Satan's in the house, it's a party!"

"Now, back in 1924, all the kids listened. They had two ears and they all listened. I'll beat your a--."

"But I will unleash the wrath of hell upon you."

[as the Mission:Impossible informant] "As usual, if you or any of your team are caught or killed we will disavow any knowledge and laugh atcha'ass."

[singing as a strip-o-gram to a retired lunch lady]
"And today's Friday/the best day of all/you can get spaghetti/and two big balls."

[after singing a song as a strip-o-gram]
"I feel so dirty!"

"Well, she's a dog and she's so fine / She's the canine that's on my mind / She's Lassie."

"I thought he was a bird/but that ain't that/'cause everybody know's Canadians can't rap."

"Hey, how come I gotta do the African Chant?"

"I've got a fig ol' futt."

"[Wearing a fireman's helmet] Damn! Baby got backdraft!"

"Drew doesn't do a damn thing!"

"And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get."

"What a come-from-behind, pay-off-the-umpire victory they had."

"A thousand points for everybody. Of course, I have to
subtract five hundred points for Ryan because he forgot to kick a photographer."

"Thousand points for everybody! Usually a thousand, but for you, nine ninety-nine! Nine ninety-nine! I'm giving the points away, only nine ninety-nine! I'm craaaazy."

"Hello. And welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada."

"Colin, I'm kidding around, buddy, I'm just joking around, Colin, it was just a joke. Very sorry. I love Canada, it's the greatest place in the whole wide world. If you never saw the show before--you'll probably never see it again in Canada--what happens is, these four talented people,
including the one extra-talented one from Canada, are going to come up here, and they're going to improvise scenes for you based on suggestions from the audience and what's written on these cards, they've never seen what's on
these cards before. They're going to make up everything off the top of their head, it's really fun."

"Hey, to recap the scores, people keeping track at home,
Brad: who knows, Wayne: who cares, Colin: I forgot, Ryan: minus 73."

"Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?"

"Five thousand points a piece and, hey, kids, if you're at home watching this with your parents, just pretend you didn't understand that last one."

"Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points don't matter, just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles. The points don't mean a thing. I'm sorry, was that applause? I couldn't hear it over Ryan's shoes."

"They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life, Oh well"(Dirty Jokes and Beer)

"As far as exercising goes...watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging"(Dirty Jokes and Beer)

"The Great Circle of Crap Is Complete!"

"Cow? Cow? COW! I think I hear a cow!"

"You're going to be contestants on a dating type show, hoping to be picked by Chip... and aren't we all?"

"Look,I know this is our first date,but.....I LOVE YOU!BE WITH ME!!!"

"It was really nice of you to invite me up Melanie.......NINTINDO!"

"You sound hecka fun."

"I love the nightlife. I like to boogie."

"Thank you so much. Well Mr. Bond, I suppose you think this is it, perhaps you'd like to make love to my mistress before I fondue the world! Minky doesn't like the anchor do you Minky? You make her very upset, perhaps you'd like to drop into my pool of piranhas? Oh that one never works."

"You're a big scary man in a black hat."

"I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness."

"I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area."

"How would you like to make money in real estate?"

"Gentlemen, today's mission is of the gravest importance. The Imir of Groovefunkistan, a small middle eastern country, is coming to visit the president in Washington, DC. However, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your job is to go to his hotel, the George C. Clark hotel - you don't know him, nevermind - and clean a burnoose for the Imir of Groovefunkistan."

"President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps."

"Well, we'll be back at eleven, but stay tuned next for America's Favorite Satanists. That's been the news, good night."

"And I never tell the truth, 'cause I'm the president"

"Good evening everyone, I'm Twice Nightly. And this is the action news, these are the headlines. Insane cow tries moon jump, dish and spoon still missing."

"That's been the news, stay tuned for America's Most Hilarious Amphibians. Coming up next."

"It's a come as primate party."

"Leave my cat alone, you big..."

"Well, my woman stayed true, and I'm sober."

"Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot."

"If you hold this end, and I push the button, you'll see how the hamsters COME SHOOTING THROUGH!"

"This just in: virginity abolished in southern California."

"Yo. I'm from Beverly Hills, and I be pimpin'."

"What am I, a genius?"

"Agh, Ryan, and your name is usually Phil of Gary."

"Wow, you're weird city."

"Do you have your suntan oil? Well you don't need that idiot, you're going underwater."

"Uh oh, Ryan's lost a hand, underwater that really sucks."

"Colin is a very sexy man. That's my whole answer."

"I love the out-of-doors"

"And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops."

"Hamsters. What's wrong with you? Get some friends."

"So if you see a star and he needs a little money So come on baby give it to him this isn't funny! Just reach into your pocket, and pull out some change, Come on baby help a star it's not strange!"

"Give your money to all these poor bleached blondes And help out, good old Potsie, Chachi, Joanie and the Fonz."

"You might not win."

"The last guy tried to get out of me writing him a ticket by saying, 'Kiss me, big boy, kiss me like there's no tomorrow!'...as I recall, I didn't write that ticket."

"The last time I said what I 'really' thought of Colin, his wife issued a restraining order on me. And, he's not allowed to call me when he's drunk." (in an Interview)

"I think Bachelor number two wasn't held enough as a child."

"Bachelor number three, woo me, woo me, woo me."

"Does it have any stealth equipment? Because I hate those stealth elephants."

"If you get this right, I'll give you a million dollars, and I'll show you some lovin' like you've never seen!"

"What the hey!"

"Leave rocket boy alone."

"Martha Stewart said that was enough."

"... and you... are a bald guy."

"Well, before I guess, I choose Larry."

"I love love and I love to love love."

"I haven't eaten in two weeks, I'm not eating like I should. But, there in the corral, look at that now, mmmm, that horse looks good!"

"Packed, I can almost hear you, but I've got my fingers in my ears."

"I broke Ryan."

"Are you dating a chocolate bunny?"